This is just a post I am writing at two in the morning… i will probably delete it tomorrow when i’ve realized i’m pouring my heart out to people who probably don’t even care. This is more of a real life post than anything… but it will tie into birds… kind of.
It really hurts when someone you trust… someone you tell secrets to, confide in… really put all your faith in… just betrays you. It hurts… like daggers cutting into you… slowly but deeply. It’s happened to me so many times before, I don’t know why I let it happen again. It makes me remember why i stopped trusting people to begin with…. and why I hate people in general. But it has happened again… and not only does it hurt because I lost a friend, but what she says can also affect my relationship with other people. A lot of people tell me to stop caring what other people think of you… but isn’t that what friendships, relationships… people – things are based on? How you feel about people?
Well hopefully I still have my friends. But sometimes I wonder what people TRULY think about me.
I do admit, I have a spending issue. I don’t spend so much on myself than I do for my birds. They make me so happy, so even if they don’t appreciate everything I do for them… their happiness makes me happy. And you know, I don’t have a lot of extra money to give back to the world. But my birds are first – always. This idea is so disconnected. Let me tie it in…
I love my birds. A LOT. Not these ones in particular, but past ones have helped me through life. They helped me get through my clinical depression, and they pretty much keep me with this world. Both spiritually and physically. Whenever I lost a bird, i lost a part of me. Every time I promised myself I wouldn’t invest anymore of me in these little feathered creatures, but I am naturally drawn to them. I love them so much, I would give my life, just to give my birds back their lives… but that can’t happen.
Douglas and Kyoko have been rather fortunate. I haven’t had any major clinical depression spells with them, and I made sure to keep my life as level as possible when I was raising Kyoko. Tonight, I just lost all control. It’s been a while since I’ve been hurt like that… and I thought I was just recovering from my trust issues, but then I got slapped in the face.
I felt so lost and alone. Douglas was already fast asleep. But Kyoko woke up, flew over, and wouldn’t leave my side. She tried to fly into the dark to get to me, and screamed when she couldn’t pierce the darkness. And when she landed on my shoulder, she gently tugged at my ear and preened my hair. (I’m actually crying recounting this). And she just wouldn’t leave me. I had to take a shower to kind of… calm down, and she sat on the shower bar. Usually she is really loud and screaming with the shower running, but she just looked down on me from the shower bar and quietly whistled. She knew.
It’s amazing how they just know.
You have no idea how completely blessed I am to have my birds in my life.